5 Learnings From a 10 Year Relationship
Last week Pri and I celebrated our 7-year wedding anniversary, and 10 years together.
It made me pause and reflect.
I don’t often write about romantic relationships. I usually focus on the relationship we have with ourselves. But the truth is, our partnerships shape us just as deeply. They challenge us, stretch us, and give us opportunities to grow in ways solitude never could.
Here are 5 learnings from the last decade together. I hope they serve you whether you’re single, married, or somewhere in between.
1. You get to know who you are in a relationship with another
Most people understand that spending time alone is important to know yourself. It makes logical sense, the more time you spend in silence, the more your inner wisdom can come through.
However, there’s a balance.
In the last 10 years of being in a relationship, I’ve learned so much about myself.
Ways of being I was unaware of. For example, 10 years ago I was a much more direct person, sometimes coming across as patronising. Through disagreements and feedback, I saw this behaviour and worked on softening it.
I used to be more reactive. Over time, I’ve learned to pause, to notice my triggers, and to choose my responses more consciously.
I don’t judge myself for these patterns. I observe them, see whether I want to change, and consciously decide how to do so.
Self-mastery and “knowing thyself” isn’t only done by attending a retreat or sitting in silence all day.
I’ve learned the most about myself when I’m in a relationship with another.
Being in a relationship has presented me with countless data points I would never have had if I sat alone trying to master myself.
I’ve learned to welcome those data points, the situations, triggers, and opportunities to heal, grow, and deliberately create the version of Jaineel I want to become.
2. Growth in relationships is like a video game
Every time my wife and I have had a disagreement or one of us gets triggered, at first it’s messy.
It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t smell good. The friction feels awful and my mind starts to spiral.
Ten years ago, I would have been more reactive, more abrupt in my decision-making and impatient.
Over time, I’ve learned to welcome these situations.
Why?
Because how else is a relationship meant to deepen, to blossom, to expand?
Certainly not by everything being rosy all day long.
Given the work I do, I’m typically the one leaning into these situations with curiosity.
My life experience has shown me that every time we go through these moments and work through them, we enter a new level of the game.
A level is unlocked, and the “test” the Universe has given us has been overcome.
The next level brings deeper understanding, closer connection, and a stronger bond.
Most people in these situations approach them as me vs you or us vs them.
That approach rarely ends well. I’ve learned that when we tackle a situation like a team challenge, that’s when we’re able to work together, find the key, and open the next room like an escape room experience.
3. Difficult conversations are liberators
I’ve always been relatively open to difficult conversations.
But recently, given the busyness of life and being deeper into our relationship, there have been times when I’ve avoided certain conversations in the name of “keeping the peace” or “letting it go.”
Most of the time, that’s not a good idea.
Why? Because if it’s important to me and I avoid raising it, resentment begins to build. And over time, that resentment compounds.
It’s also inauthentic.
I’ve learned that if something is important, I should raise it, trusting that we’ll work it out together as a team.
I’ve learned not to hold back on raising things, even if it creates short-term emotional discomfort. If dealt with constructively, we come out the other side more open and free. Another level unlocked.
Most people avoid pain in the short term and sacrifice long-term freedom.
4. The real relationship is the one with yourself
Am I in a relationship with my wife, or with the version of my wife I’ve created in my own mind?
Without getting too philosophical, this is an important question to reflect on.
Every one of us projects our own interpretations, stories, and expectations onto the people we love. We see them not only as they are, but also through the filter of our beliefs, our past experiences, and our inner world.
The same goes for triggers. Our triggers are our biggest teachers. Most people try to change their external world to avoid internal discomfort. That’s not true freedom.
True freedom and true intimacy come from being willing to sit with the discomfort, to go through the pain and the mess, and to see what it reveals about us.
I’ve realised that every trigger is an invitation. An invitation to notice:
What story am I telling myself here?
Is this about them, or about me?
Am I willing to let this moment transform me?
When we answer those invitations honestly, the relationship we have with ourselves transforms, and so does the relationship we have with our partner.
5. Relationships can be an act of creation vs reaction
One of my mentors, Steve Chandler, shared this distinction in one of his audios.
It transformed the way I see relationships and life.
Ten years ago, I would have let a relationship unfold passively. And I see that’s how most relationships are. It’s not inherently “bad,” but when unconsciously done, it’s a trap. There’s no way out.
Relationships are a creation.
We create them.
In my view, this can be an intentional, active, and deliberate process.
For example, after having our daughter, life got busy with daily routines.
My wife is someone who loves to go out and do nice things together. I’m obsessed with working and doing what I love. In the middle is all the beautiful mess that comes with raising a child. A lot of our attention was pulled into that middle.
We forgot about the fun things we used to do together, until we became aware of it.
That’s not the relationship we wanted to create.
So we got the blank canvas out and started to draw how we wanted it to look in this new era of parenthood.
For us, that meant:
Having our own time to work out
More date nights
More time together in the evenings
These aren’t groundbreaking. But they’re simple, intentional creations.
It’s not perfect, but it’s much more creative than it was before.
In Summary
When I look back over these 10 years, I see a pattern. Every trigger, every disagreement, every heartfelt conversation has been an invitation. An invitation to grow closer to Pri, and to grow closer to myself.
Relationships aren’t static. They are living, breathing creations. And like anything alive, they require care, attention, and intention.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: the more we create consciously, the more beauty we get to experience together.
Here’s to the next decade of learning, loving, and creating.
Keen to hear your thoughts in the comments below :)
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